The Journey

It's been a little over a year since my separation and I can say that it has been a hell of a ride. I have been on some highs and lows that I truly don't wish on my worst enemy. I don't wish divorce or separation on anyone, but through it all, I would do it again, but much sooner if I saw the red flags and the blatant brokenness I endured with this person.

Now I realize it wasn't so much him as it was me, and what I lacked within myself. That is why I picked this person, it validated things in me to keep me in the familiar. The familiar for me is that little voice in me that says you are not worthy, the shame, the guilt, the pain, the abandonment, the Rejection, ultimately the trust. Trust in myself, trust in God, trust in another human being.

I am not saying he wasn't broken, because he has some serious issues that he will never address because he is a dry drunk, drug addict. He just keeps attaching to another woman who can distract him long enough to stuff his anger, resentment and pure hate for women and that validates his unworthiness and inadequacies once they make their demands.

I have had some real lows, but today I can say this, when I have contact with him, it no longer debilitates me for weeks. I know longer dwell on it as if I made a mistake. I now know I didn't make no sticken mistake.

I trust in God, I trust in my decision making process and this truly was one of the best decisions in my life that I have made. The feeling of regaining and salvaging me, I am so worth it. I deserve to be treated with respect, with kindness, with love, with regard, with emotional fullfillment and caring. We all do. Being badgered or being emotionally neglected is abuse, it's hard to see that when that is the norm. Being neglected by virtue of silence is not cool, it is not normal behavior, it is abusive, you do not deserve it, you are worthy of loving communication and kindness and someone who wants to work towards those healthy behaviors.

Everyday is a good day for me in someway. It's not to say things don't happen that I have an expectation of being different, but it doesn't send me anymore, nor do I feel I have to force it to be the way I want it to be.

Next time I will talk about what started these frailties in me. What I am learning and how to change the way I feel about it.