Spending time with my niece Trina

Hi All!

This has been such a great weekend. I just absolutely love spending time with my Niece Trina. Now that her children are growing up, she has more alone time, and me of coarse being alone well, I have alot of alone time too!  What for me makes it so nice is it helps me to see other parts of my life to focus on and look forward to, so I am not just obsessing and dwelling on the past or the future. It helps me to bring balance to my life and enjoy doing things with someone I truly enjoy the company of. 

I just truly enjoy our conversations, I feel incredibly privileged to have such a fabulous niece that I am extremely proud of. Not to mention her and I just laugh, just straight up have the kind of sense of humor that is attractive to me.  She is real too, she will tell me like it is if I get to out of line. She has never really been afraid of me. 

I love her. 

Finding the one!

Okay girls, and guys, whoever reads this. I was going to take a walk down memory lane but decided against it. 

Instead I would like to put my dating life out there. OMG! talk about frightening.  I'll tell ya what, "Going along to get along" has it's merits. Especially when you start getting older, the pool gets smaller. At one time the saying "there are plenty of fish in the sea" was valid in my 20's, 30's, and even 40's, but when you get into your 50's and have an appendage missing, and don't have the confidence you once had, shit that ocean has just turned into the kiddie pool and the fish are pretty fishie. 

I know we are not suppose to let our fears dictate the our life, but I am telling you what, the grass really isn't greener for me now, just alot more of it and some of it isn't green. It is a bit distressing because the men my age are looking for the ego booster babes, and there are so many dysfunctional women and men out there, they will find one who is going to fix there problems and meet there needs so the cycle of dysfunction continues. 

 Most of them feel like they need that infusion of youth and there are enough needy women out there to hook, until of course the chick figures out, there was a reason the guy was a catch and release specimen. No, No, not a keeper. Ohhhhhh, all this time I was cursing that x old lady for being so mean and feeling sorry for this dude, now I see why she put her size 8 Tony LLama to this guys ass and kicked him out. Then all the sudden, the same scenario takes place again, but the guy hasn't recognized he continues to attract the same kind of woman or the woman hasn't learned healthy behaviors to stop attracting broken fish. 

So anyway back to my dating. I have been doing the cyber dating thing. Man, I don't really think this is a way to meet ones true love, but because my friend pool and single friend pool is rather limited, I have been doing this. It is entertaining, but does get frustrating, since most of these men are substituting the bar scene for the cyber dating scene. Most of them are not worthy of much time, once in awhile I have found one that I will take a chance on and go out to dinner with, but not often.

The last one I went out with thought I was part of a touch and feel exhibit or something. The only thing I could say was this isn't JC Penny and no you don't get to touch all the merchandise. 

I did have one or two nice guys. One of the things I try to be is honest once we have conversed by email and I find I may have an attraction to the guy by virtue of his wit, his sense of humor, I tell them I am a BK left. Usually that weeds out the light weights and the guys just looking to get laid or who are looking for the physical and are stuck in superficial mode. The ones that have gotten beyond that are a little to serious or quiet for me, so it becomes an issue of what I am looking for. 

I find it hard to date this way. It's like a freaking interview. I just don't like it.  They are nice men, I want a nice man, but I want someone who I feel an attraction to also. 

The way they carry themselves, their ability to converse, their kindness, their thoughtfulness, there looks in some ways are but aren't important. I know when they get older they loose their hair, but if they have hair on their back, I have a hard time with that.  Call that superficial, but you don't go into a relationship thinking you're gonna change someone, it doesn't work. You either accept it, or you move on. That was the problem the first time, thinking things would change or expecting this person to change. It doesn't work like that. 

Would I have stayed in it, if I knew then what I know now. Yes, most likely I would have and probably just cheated on him like all the rest of his wife's and girlfriends did. I had to be the one with freaking morales and a conscious and the one who wanted to feel loved. Well no use crying over spilt milk, it is what it is. And really in my heart of hearts, I have never been one to settle and yes I have always been tortured by it when I have. Would I really do it again, no probably not, but If I knew then what I know now, we wouldn't have ever been together as a couple.

So now trying to get healed, and move forward does mean going out at meeting new people, I am just not sure if being with someone is something I can handle. It seems to be no fun and a lot of work. Been there done that. 

It's always a pleasure to reconnect with delightful people

I had the absolute pleasure of being contacted by a young lady I worked with in Sacramento. She actually is showing on the blog. Corkie, take bow! 

It feels really nice, when someone thinks about you and has regard for you, enough to connect with you just because they thought of you fondly. I feel honored. 

We had a chance to talk a little bit about our current status and it is amazing how many of us women out there are starting over at an older age. Our children are grown, our marriages disintegrated, and we are left to ask ourselves, who the hell are we, and what happened to that fun loving, confident woman I used to call Rachel? 

What the heck ever happened to forever? Man, isn't there any man out there that knows what open your mouth and speak means? I know that sounds harsh, but Jeez luis, so many women I speak to tell the same or similar story. 

The majority of my friends are becoming single at an older age and the chronic culprit is their men are either having affairs, had an affair, closed all the bank accounts and then told them later, after they filed the divorce papers, or just don't talk and think the relationship will just miraculously develop and thrive if they put no effort into it. And yet foolio's always end up with the younger version of us, and never really seeing their part in it. They keep running through them like disc brakes, and seem to be surprised when the bitch dumps em. And they say they are the superior species? 

I know someday that really bad taste in my mouth will wash clean. I am hoping after hundreds of gallons of mouthwash later I will wake up with this really nice taste in my mouth. The kind I remember when I felt love for the man I was next to, and he would kiss me with the sweet pure taste of love. 

Oh! that wasn't my man, but I know one of you ladies had that experience. 

A gentle reminder that there is hope. 

For now I brush and floss before I go to bed, thank God for the type of silence that happens when you live alone,  and not with someone who doesn't care to participate and can't grow a pair to do the right thing and get out, living in excruciating silence. 

Nope not me mister! Not now!  Not ever again! Don't want to! Can't make me ever again. 

Ok so anyway, the old company I used to work for, one of those most fab women Anna is helping to coordinate a reunion. Since I have a friend coming into town on July 24th, I am not sure if I will make it. If my guest wants to come with, that would be fabulous. My friend and I have been friends from the job before Affordable Health Care, Gallagher Bassett Insurance. I have watched her give birth to two other children, marry off her oldest daughter Amy and be privileged enough to meet her first grand daughter Taylor. I feel very blessed. She is one of my oldest, most trusted friends, and they are few for me. It's hard to maintain someone else's expectations of a friendship. But with my friend Karen, we just blend and go with it, and maintain a loyalty and trust  guilt or manipulation. I love her like a sister. We have had our tussles and have always worked through it.  

I am glad to have the opportunity to reconnect.