Instead I would like to put my dating life out there. OMG! talk about frightening. I'll tell ya what, "Going along to get along" has it's merits. Especially when you start getting older, the pool gets smaller. At one time the saying "there are plenty of fish in the sea" was valid in my 20's, 30's, and even 40's, but when you get into your 50's and have an appendage missing, and don't have the confidence you once had, shit that ocean has just turned into the kiddie pool and the fish are pretty fishie.
I know we are not suppose to let our fears dictate the our life, but I am telling you what, the grass really isn't greener for me now, just alot more of it and some of it isn't green. It is a bit distressing because the men my age are looking for the ego booster babes, and there are so many dysfunctional women and men out there, they will find one who is going to fix there problems and meet there needs so the cycle of dysfunction continues.
Most of them feel like they need that infusion of youth and there are enough needy women out there to hook, until of course the chick figures out, there was a reason the guy was a catch and release specimen. No, No, not a keeper. Ohhhhhh, all this time I was cursing that x old lady for being so mean and feeling sorry for this dude, now I see why she put her size 8 Tony LLama to this guys ass and kicked him out. Then all the sudden, the same scenario takes place again, but the guy hasn't recognized he continues to attract the same kind of woman or the woman hasn't learned healthy behaviors to stop attracting broken fish.
So anyway back to my dating. I have been doing the cyber dating thing. Man, I don't really think this is a way to meet ones true love, but because my friend pool and single friend pool is rather limited, I have been doing this. It is entertaining, but does get frustrating, since most of these men are substituting the bar scene for the cyber dating scene. Most of them are not worthy of much time, once in awhile I have found one that I will take a chance on and go out to dinner with, but not often.
The last one I went out with thought I was part of a touch and feel exhibit or something. The only thing I could say was this isn't JC Penny and no you don't get to touch all the merchandise.
I did have one or two nice guys. One of the things I try to be is honest once we have conversed by email and I find I may have an attraction to the guy by virtue of his wit, his sense of humor, I tell them I am a BK left. Usually that weeds out the light weights and the guys just looking to get laid or who are looking for the physical and are stuck in superficial mode. The ones that have gotten beyond that are a little to serious or quiet for me, so it becomes an issue of what I am looking for.
I find it hard to date this way. It's like a freaking interview. I just don't like it. They are nice men, I want a nice man, but I want someone who I feel an attraction to also.
The way they carry themselves, their ability to converse, their kindness, their thoughtfulness, there looks in some ways are but aren't important. I know when they get older they loose their hair, but if they have hair on their back, I have a hard time with that. Call that superficial, but you don't go into a relationship thinking you're gonna change someone, it doesn't work. You either accept it, or you move on. That was the problem the first time, thinking things would change or expecting this person to change. It doesn't work like that.
Would I have stayed in it, if I knew then what I know now. Yes, most likely I would have and probably just cheated on him like all the rest of his wife's and girlfriends did. I had to be the one with freaking morales and a conscious and the one who wanted to feel loved. Well no use crying over spilt milk, it is what it is. And really in my heart of hearts, I have never been one to settle and yes I have always been tortured by it when I have. Would I really do it again, no probably not, but If I knew then what I know now, we wouldn't have ever been together as a couple.
So now trying to get healed, and move forward does mean going out at meeting new people, I am just not sure if being with someone is something I can handle. It seems to be no fun and a lot of work. Been there done that.
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